i read my past past entries on this site for the first time since my "ordeal" 

back during that time i didnt see what i see now.  i read every single on of those posts and cried.  i saw my high school life and how it took a drastic turn my freshman year of college.  i realize all to late that i should have fixed it.  i lost everything (friends, trust, and family, and for a while God) but it seems that God can turn everything to good. he brought me out.  and i am a stronger person for it.  i am sorry to those i hurt in the process of my struggle but for some reason i am glad it happend.  it put a lot of things in perspective.  even though to get my "perspective" i had to lose two of the most important people in my life.  every time i go to the dam now by myself i cry.  i cant sit in our old high school hang out without remembering...the group, the fun times, and it kills me to know that nothing will be the same again.  i am sorry to those that watched me and didnt know how to fix me.  i guess if youre in a situation like i was, you dont get out until YOU want to get out, no matter what the stakes are

thats all

mary

if you care to reach me now, i am at simplyPOETIC

i love you guys

mary

welcome 2004.  well this is the start of a new year and i have to indulge in the annual new years resolution shpeal. (i think thats how you spell it)  i think i might actually be able to keep the promises i make to myself. to be perfectly honest i havent been truely happy with myself, my friends and my life in general this past year.  i have always been scared.  scared of what people will think if i do anything, say anything or act any differently than my so-called self.  i have always been a people pleaser and now that i am away from my past i dont want to look back anymore.  i am sick and tired of doing or not doing things because of the people that i am surrounded by.  if you are still talking to me and not about me, you are a true friend and i love you so very much.  if you have completely abandoned me in my time of need...fuck you, i dont need you.  i have learned something very important from my favorite  artist Alicia Keys.  she sings a song about unconditional love.  and i consider unconditional love the love i have for my friends and their love for me. "a friend just isnt a friend if they arent willing to love you when youre right, love you when youre wrong, love you when youre weak, love you when youre strong.  take you higher in the world that youre feeling low.  giving you their last cause their thinking of you first, giving you their best even when youre at your worst, giving comfort when their thinking that youre hurt.  thats whats done when you really love someone."  i am using that song as my rock.  i realize that people change.  hell i have changed for the worst and my friends saw it.  but some of them dropped me and said that i cheapened the memories of the past because of what i had become.  they called me a liar and i was.  but i am not anymore.  i have never been more honest when i say thank you to all of the friends who helped me get better and screw you to all of the friends who arent really friends at all.   i live my life to the fullest and one good thing i can take from this semester is all of the new and unique experiences i have experienced and how i look at the world in a completely different perspective.  i dont feel i have to lie anymore and i am now able to let go of my past and move on to a new and wonderful future.  Emporia is my home and i will be moving there this summer with one of my best girl friend's Jamie who has been with me through thick and thin this year.  i have people there who support me as opposed to the three that i have here and you know who you are.  and you can visit me any time.  olathe held me back and made me scared of myself.  i have found myself and will not let me go again for anyone.  i am finally at peace with my life and dont need drugs or alcohol or  fake friends who are immature and high school or anything else to alter it.  i love myself sober which is the most awesome thing in the world.  but dont worry i will still throw a few kick ass parties now and then.

mary 

YAY!!!  NEW YEARS EVE!!!!!  to everyone going out and staying in tonight.  be careful.  if you drink, dont drive, if you dont drink, dont drive because there are idiots out there who do drive drunk.  i love you all and wish for a happy new year and whatnot.  enjoy pittsburg guys and trey, take two shots for me.  i will be hanging out with some other people down here on this lovely sober night.  i need to get over my dependency of the drink so yeah.  also my mom wont let me go but thats besides the point.  Juli we have got to get together sometime.  i am going bonkers.  Chasey joe, you are my rock,  my best friend and my Will.  thanks for coffee and the movie and the gummi sperm (lol).  trey and ryan, thanks for the cigar.  an overall good night last night.

BE SAFE AND PARTY LIKE ITS 1999!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mary